Monday, 1 February 2010
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Where has this year gone?
Seriously! It’s December 1st already, and nothing seems that long ago. I seem to reminisce about things, and then think, fuck, that was June, so long ago! But it feels like last month. I guess this is what happens when you don’t do anything for a whole year. What a shitty year it’s been, how did I get to this stage really? I wish I could start this year again, but even then, it was all too late. I really fucked up in ‘08. I need 2010 to be my year, I don’t think I could take another year like this. I can barely take another month of it.
It’s a bit early for new years resolutions, but I think mine has to be to sort my fucking life out, make new friends, make current friendships stronger, and actually matter.
It’s a bit early for new years resolutions, but I think mine has to be to sort my fucking life out, make new friends, make current friendships stronger, and actually matter.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Wait for something wild.
I'm always living in the hope that one day I'll be back at the stage where weekends have meaning, day to night is important, and I can remember what day it is because they won't all be the same thing.
I've forgotten what it's like to be a person of the outside world, or reality for that matter, because let's face it, I'm not living in the real world, this is a completely parallel universe to the everyday slug. People crave the weekend, the days off, the holidays - I crave the harsh reality of getting up in the morning and getting ready to do something purposeful, productive, something with actual relevance.
At the moment I don't have that, I have dreams of other lives that will never be and ideas that'll never become reality, and I've got to wonder why. Why am I still living? There has to be a purpose to life, else why would we be here, human existence can't be pointless, so why would my existence be any different, I mean, last time I checked I was human to.
What am I on this earth to do?
Why haven't I found it yet?
Who knows how many years I'll be here, but I know that somewhere along the line I'll have to have done something that matters. Or maybe that's just hope, a pipe dream of mine that has long been embedded into my mind, one day I'll matter, that's what I'm always thinking - well actually it's more like "I wish that one day, I will matter". I don't even mean in the fashion that I'll be remembered, or famous, I just want to have done something that lives on and matters after I go. Even now I'm writing, and for what? It's not like anyone will actually be too bothered, I mean sure it might be interesting to read, but nobody needs an insight into my mind, I'm not of importance. I can bet that this will be read on here, facebook, tumblr, whatever, and then once read it'll be tossed aside and never thought of again, maybe with a thought of how much shit I chat and how I should probably just buck the fuck up and get over it.
I'm not saying I'm alone, I know there are others that write like this, thinking the same thoughts, but still we all feel alone. It's a strange situation.
I often think, what do we do with our dreams? Do we just let them pass us by and be a typical faceless employee, wishing that (s)he followed their dreams instead of working a dead end job just to survive, or do we follow them, in the hope they'll come true, and most likely end up as someone who's wasted their whole life chasing a false reality. Either way it's the cliché - but I suppose it's only give then cliché tag because it's so common - and nobody wants to end up that way. We all want to be the unlikely one that has their dream come true, but we have to make a decision which has risks on both sides, and it's a hard decision to make, because one leads to disappointment, and the other leads to a possibility of a wasted life coupled with shattered dreams.
I've forgotten what it's like to be a person of the outside world, or reality for that matter, because let's face it, I'm not living in the real world, this is a completely parallel universe to the everyday slug. People crave the weekend, the days off, the holidays - I crave the harsh reality of getting up in the morning and getting ready to do something purposeful, productive, something with actual relevance.
At the moment I don't have that, I have dreams of other lives that will never be and ideas that'll never become reality, and I've got to wonder why. Why am I still living? There has to be a purpose to life, else why would we be here, human existence can't be pointless, so why would my existence be any different, I mean, last time I checked I was human to.
What am I on this earth to do?
Why haven't I found it yet?
Who knows how many years I'll be here, but I know that somewhere along the line I'll have to have done something that matters. Or maybe that's just hope, a pipe dream of mine that has long been embedded into my mind, one day I'll matter, that's what I'm always thinking - well actually it's more like "I wish that one day, I will matter". I don't even mean in the fashion that I'll be remembered, or famous, I just want to have done something that lives on and matters after I go. Even now I'm writing, and for what? It's not like anyone will actually be too bothered, I mean sure it might be interesting to read, but nobody needs an insight into my mind, I'm not of importance. I can bet that this will be read on here, facebook, tumblr, whatever, and then once read it'll be tossed aside and never thought of again, maybe with a thought of how much shit I chat and how I should probably just buck the fuck up and get over it.
I'm not saying I'm alone, I know there are others that write like this, thinking the same thoughts, but still we all feel alone. It's a strange situation.
I often think, what do we do with our dreams? Do we just let them pass us by and be a typical faceless employee, wishing that (s)he followed their dreams instead of working a dead end job just to survive, or do we follow them, in the hope they'll come true, and most likely end up as someone who's wasted their whole life chasing a false reality. Either way it's the cliché - but I suppose it's only give then cliché tag because it's so common - and nobody wants to end up that way. We all want to be the unlikely one that has their dream come true, but we have to make a decision which has risks on both sides, and it's a hard decision to make, because one leads to disappointment, and the other leads to a possibility of a wasted life coupled with shattered dreams.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
The Trees Are Dead and Dried Out.
I said I respect life more yesterday, and it strangely doesn’t seem to feel like I do. I’m not sure what it’ll take for me to be happy with my life… Actually, I have a pretty good idea, and it’s only two things I’d like, maybe three, but they’re equally difficult to accomplish. I’d go into detail, but it’ll probably be misinterpreted and used against me in some future situation.
I’m sick of confrontation. I usually avoid it quite happily, but it seems to find me around every corner lately, and I’m fed up with it. I think there’s only two choices in this battle and one of them needs to be taken very soon to end all this. Unfortunately it’s not down to me, and that is a bit shit frankly. I’d love to have life exactly how it’s mapped out in my head, it’d be perfection in every way, but there’s a few things wrong with that, such as the fact that one man’s heaven is another man’s hell, the other being the fact that life is a bitch and it’ll never go the way you want it no matter how much you seem to try, wish and even beg.
It’s funny, because the things I want are really simple in essence, but in reality they’re apparently these massive things that just will never be possible, like climbing a ten foot sheer cliff face without any form of aids or ropes. You scramble and scramble but there’s no grip and you have little other choice than to take the fall and try to start again, but to no avail. All I want, all I need, is a single grip. Just one to get moving on, and moving forward towards my goals
I’m sick of confrontation. I usually avoid it quite happily, but it seems to find me around every corner lately, and I’m fed up with it. I think there’s only two choices in this battle and one of them needs to be taken very soon to end all this. Unfortunately it’s not down to me, and that is a bit shit frankly. I’d love to have life exactly how it’s mapped out in my head, it’d be perfection in every way, but there’s a few things wrong with that, such as the fact that one man’s heaven is another man’s hell, the other being the fact that life is a bitch and it’ll never go the way you want it no matter how much you seem to try, wish and even beg.
It’s funny, because the things I want are really simple in essence, but in reality they’re apparently these massive things that just will never be possible, like climbing a ten foot sheer cliff face without any form of aids or ropes. You scramble and scramble but there’s no grip and you have little other choice than to take the fall and try to start again, but to no avail. All I want, all I need, is a single grip. Just one to get moving on, and moving forward towards my goals
Thursday, 19 November 2009
I've realised alot lately.
Funny how everything changes when it’s laid out right in front of you in such a fashion that you cannot avoid it any more. I don’t like it, but I guess I should face up to it, because if I don’t now I never will, and I’ll be destined to put off doing anything at all. I need to be more pro-active about everything, because if you don’t, nothing gets done.
Today I finally got round to applying for the only apprenticeship I can actually imagine myself enjoying. However I say that, yet I’ve forgotten what course I’ve said I wanted to do, but all the ones I saw looked pretty sick so any will do. Hopefully I’ll get a placement and actually set out on a path to change my life for the better. Then again, I can’t imagine a change for the worse, would that be possible?
I love how I thought as soon as I turned 18 everything would open up for me and life would look up, but so far at this half way point, I’ve only found that everything gets a lot worse. I’ve got so much to do, and god knows I don’t want to do any of it, but that’s life, I best get the fuck used to it.
I’m looking forward to this Top Gear thing at MIMA like! I’ve got my ticket sorted already for Saturday at half 1, stoked!
These always feel like I've wrote a lot more than I actually have
Today I finally got round to applying for the only apprenticeship I can actually imagine myself enjoying. However I say that, yet I’ve forgotten what course I’ve said I wanted to do, but all the ones I saw looked pretty sick so any will do. Hopefully I’ll get a placement and actually set out on a path to change my life for the better. Then again, I can’t imagine a change for the worse, would that be possible?
I love how I thought as soon as I turned 18 everything would open up for me and life would look up, but so far at this half way point, I’ve only found that everything gets a lot worse. I’ve got so much to do, and god knows I don’t want to do any of it, but that’s life, I best get the fuck used to it.
I’m looking forward to this Top Gear thing at MIMA like! I’ve got my ticket sorted already for Saturday at half 1, stoked!
These always feel like I've wrote a lot more than I actually have
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
I'm on too many websites.
I love how I find out pretty much all my facts from QI, it’s probably the reason… No it IS the reason I know so many ridiculous stupid facts. I love it. Did you know for instance, Koala’s make soup in their arse for their young? Disgusting, but it’s a fact!
I’m currently on my sister’s laptop in bed, I love how it’s hers but because she doesn’t take it to school (she goes to boarding school, home on weekends) it’s pretty much mine, although mother does have her fair share of usage. But anyway back to what I was going to say, I’m in bed with it, and it makes me glad I don’t have a laptop of my own, it’s very awkward to use in bed, you get comfy and then you have to move to type or whatever, then you move the laptop to a convenient position and you’re the least comfiest you’ve ever been. Terrible.
I’m also too fecking warm. I think I set the thermostat far to high. Yes I definitely did.
Day old parmo is looking pretty good right now…
I now have to manually post this on here as well as tumblr now, as they both update Facebook and it gets pretty annoying, like my Twitter situation. But these Smarties, the MASSIVE bar of Galaxy and the two orange Areos are cheering me up.
It's no wonder I'm getting so fat.
I’m currently on my sister’s laptop in bed, I love how it’s hers but because she doesn’t take it to school (she goes to boarding school, home on weekends) it’s pretty much mine, although mother does have her fair share of usage. But anyway back to what I was going to say, I’m in bed with it, and it makes me glad I don’t have a laptop of my own, it’s very awkward to use in bed, you get comfy and then you have to move to type or whatever, then you move the laptop to a convenient position and you’re the least comfiest you’ve ever been. Terrible.
I’m also too fecking warm. I think I set the thermostat far to high. Yes I definitely did.
Day old parmo is looking pretty good right now…
I now have to manually post this on here as well as tumblr now, as they both update Facebook and it gets pretty annoying, like my Twitter situation. But these Smarties, the MASSIVE bar of Galaxy and the two orange Areos are cheering me up.
It's no wonder I'm getting so fat.
Monday, 16 November 2009
For sex or lasange!?
Titled from an amazing line Jeremy Kyle just said to some crazy old bag who was accused of being a swinger.
Strange how things work out isn't it?
You go to some stupid thing, and then you suddenly realise something really important, and for whatever reason that fact has passed you by so much that it's took someone to just bluntly say it to you for you to realise.
Today I had a 6 month stage interview at Jobcentre, which in itself is pretty depressing, but here's me expecting it to just be some boring shit, and instead I realise that I literally have no direction. I don't have a plan of life at all, no career prospects, I don't even know what I want to do in life.
What the fuck am I going to do really, I mean, sure I have dreams and aspirations, but these are just pipe dreams. Tour for life? It's just not going to happen, and I don't want to end up as a 30 year old stuck in a call centre wishing I'd fulfilled my dreams like some clichéd movie, which right now is where I'm heading.
Fuck.
Strange how things work out isn't it?
You go to some stupid thing, and then you suddenly realise something really important, and for whatever reason that fact has passed you by so much that it's took someone to just bluntly say it to you for you to realise.
Today I had a 6 month stage interview at Jobcentre, which in itself is pretty depressing, but here's me expecting it to just be some boring shit, and instead I realise that I literally have no direction. I don't have a plan of life at all, no career prospects, I don't even know what I want to do in life.
What the fuck am I going to do really, I mean, sure I have dreams and aspirations, but these are just pipe dreams. Tour for life? It's just not going to happen, and I don't want to end up as a 30 year old stuck in a call centre wishing I'd fulfilled my dreams like some clichéd movie, which right now is where I'm heading.
Fuck.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Wow it's cold!
Who the fuck are JLS, and why are they causing such a fuss that 60 people got injured in a crowd surge? Absolute dicks. The news is making me annoyed, they've just referred to Michelle Obama as "Sesame Street Star", and then showed a load of people from Middlesbrough hula hooping. Stupid people.
Anyway, I've been missing for a while, it's pretty good, time with the best friend, seeing my favourite band twice in two nights, awesome. Although when I got home, I didn't feel right. It still doesn't feel like I belong here. Ah well. I dunno.
Nice edit, I dunno if this will show up on fbook, but fuck it.
I went on so many trains this weekend, lemme just count up... 6 trains all together! And half of them I didn't have my ticket checked at all! Apparently it's really easy to get free train rides! I even had a guy walk right past me and didn't even check my ticket! What a dick. I love trains, I might live on one, either that or a tour bus. Dance Gavin Dance/A Skylit Drive's tour bus was immense, and ridiculous considering the size of the venues they were playing. I'm gonna message Rise Records to see if I can be In Fear And Faith's merch guy next April. Worth a try!
Hello second edit.
I was really annoyed, and partially freaked out, today when a couple of foreign women sat directly opposite me on the train today. I'm not sure where they were from, probably Eastern Europe by the looks and sounds of them. But anyway, they were babbling away in their language for a bit, and then they seemed to stop completely. I was happily listening to my music, as I usually do, and loving my earphones for shutting the outside world off for me, when I notice one of them just staring at me. Naturally I was just thinking, "What?" and then carried on looking out the window watching the countryside pass me by, and she carried on staring. Then they decided to get up, and one of them started talking to me, which really annoys me when anyone does it because then I look ignorant when I pull out my earphones and say "Sorry what?", but when I asked what she said, she started babbling on in her language, pointing at her wrist, so I assumed she was asking me for the time, so I showed her and she shook her head frantically and started babbling on again. I ended up just saying "I'm sorry, I don't understand you" and then they just went away. Very strange, and very annoying. I really don't understand why they expected me to understand what they were saying, do I look foreign? Either way, people really shouldn't come to our country, to visit or stay regardless, without knowing even a tiny little bit of English. Pretty stupid huh? I bet they went away thinking I was the ignorant one though!
Anyway, I've been missing for a while, it's pretty good, time with the best friend, seeing my favourite band twice in two nights, awesome. Although when I got home, I didn't feel right. It still doesn't feel like I belong here. Ah well. I dunno.
Nice edit, I dunno if this will show up on fbook, but fuck it.
I went on so many trains this weekend, lemme just count up... 6 trains all together! And half of them I didn't have my ticket checked at all! Apparently it's really easy to get free train rides! I even had a guy walk right past me and didn't even check my ticket! What a dick. I love trains, I might live on one, either that or a tour bus. Dance Gavin Dance/A Skylit Drive's tour bus was immense, and ridiculous considering the size of the venues they were playing. I'm gonna message Rise Records to see if I can be In Fear And Faith's merch guy next April. Worth a try!
Hello second edit.
I was really annoyed, and partially freaked out, today when a couple of foreign women sat directly opposite me on the train today. I'm not sure where they were from, probably Eastern Europe by the looks and sounds of them. But anyway, they were babbling away in their language for a bit, and then they seemed to stop completely. I was happily listening to my music, as I usually do, and loving my earphones for shutting the outside world off for me, when I notice one of them just staring at me. Naturally I was just thinking, "What?" and then carried on looking out the window watching the countryside pass me by, and she carried on staring. Then they decided to get up, and one of them started talking to me, which really annoys me when anyone does it because then I look ignorant when I pull out my earphones and say "Sorry what?", but when I asked what she said, she started babbling on in her language, pointing at her wrist, so I assumed she was asking me for the time, so I showed her and she shook her head frantically and started babbling on again. I ended up just saying "I'm sorry, I don't understand you" and then they just went away. Very strange, and very annoying. I really don't understand why they expected me to understand what they were saying, do I look foreign? Either way, people really shouldn't come to our country, to visit or stay regardless, without knowing even a tiny little bit of English. Pretty stupid huh? I bet they went away thinking I was the ignorant one though!
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Probably my favourite lyrics ever written.
I threw her away on the second we met
I couldn't have lied, I tried
I was cashing a check
(The ink was smeared)
(The lines were drawn and scribbled unclear)
(A cancellation, it's time to learn to fly)
Now that I've decided that you can't be
Now that I've decided that you can't be trusted
Now that I've decided that you can't be
Now that I've decided that you can't be trusted
Now that I've decided that you can't be
Now that I've decided that you can't be
One by one (Wasn't that fun)
This party dies (Fade away)
Late night phone calls that end in surprise
I can't believe you would give up your dignity (Fade away)
Just to take a ride with me
And how does it feel to be used
Climb in the back seat
Like luggage
Whores don't trip
They bleed on the tapestry
Whores don't trip
They bleed at the bar
It's your persistence that makes me sick
It's not the sight of your face
And now I am so faint, caught up in just this way
I know that you can be more than this
This wasn't what I wanted
You said I sewed that dream alive
Climb farther into hate, is it this back seat making you itch?
Morals become something from a dream
This isn't the way to blow off steam
It's all in your head
Give up this is making me sick
My patience is wearing thin
I will be leaving you now stay away for long
Drag his body down to the mill (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Cut the ice with counterfeit bills
I'll take my share (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Like lightning bolts that strike down in pairs (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
This is all justified
This is all justified (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Step aside and watched the lie
This is all justified (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
This is all justified (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Won't heal in time (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
This is all justified now
Now we're all afraid to see why we can't give it up
But now your shirt comes off
I need something more tonight than your word
I couldn't have lied, I tried
I was cashing a check
(The ink was smeared)
(The lines were drawn and scribbled unclear)
(A cancellation, it's time to learn to fly)
Now that I've decided that you can't be
Now that I've decided that you can't be trusted
Now that I've decided that you can't be
Now that I've decided that you can't be trusted
Now that I've decided that you can't be
Now that I've decided that you can't be
One by one (Wasn't that fun)
This party dies (Fade away)
Late night phone calls that end in surprise
I can't believe you would give up your dignity (Fade away)
Just to take a ride with me
And how does it feel to be used
Climb in the back seat
Like luggage
Whores don't trip
They bleed on the tapestry
Whores don't trip
They bleed at the bar
It's your persistence that makes me sick
It's not the sight of your face
And now I am so faint, caught up in just this way
I know that you can be more than this
This wasn't what I wanted
You said I sewed that dream alive
Climb farther into hate, is it this back seat making you itch?
Morals become something from a dream
This isn't the way to blow off steam
It's all in your head
Give up this is making me sick
My patience is wearing thin
I will be leaving you now stay away for long
Drag his body down to the mill (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Cut the ice with counterfeit bills
I'll take my share (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Like lightning bolts that strike down in pairs (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
This is all justified
This is all justified (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Step aside and watched the lie
This is all justified (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
This is all justified (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
Won't heal in time (Stationed wit, I believe will go there)
This is all justified now
Now we're all afraid to see why we can't give it up
But now your shirt comes off
I need something more tonight than your word
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